By MARK PATINKIN
THE PROVIDENCE JOURNAL
Parade Magazine recently asked readers to come up with inventions we all could use.
One reader proposed brake lights on the front of cars.
Another suggested PIN numbers for credit cards to thwart thieves.
Still another thought up one-way tire shredders for highway exit ramps.
It got me thinking about what else is needed.
It's not easy, since stores such as The Sharper Image offer every conceivable convenience, such as motorized grill-cleaning brushes and air purifiers you wear around the neck.
But I'll try.
My first proposed invention: a remote control that mutes annoying music coming from nearby cars.
If Parade is interested, here are some others:
A beach blanket with raised borders -- like the top of a shoe box -- to keep sand out. I hate biting into stale cereal or crackers, so I'm picturing a device like the thermometer you stick into a roast to tell you if it's done. Why not a device that tells you if your Frosted Flakes are stale? Along those lines, I've tried those desktop coffee-cup warmers but after a while, either the cord gets in the way or they just don't do the job with most mugs. That's why someone needs to invent a battery-powered heat spoon. I could use belts with Velcro underneath so the end doesn't wave in the breeze if it's too short to reach your first loop. Law of life: When you can't find your cell phone, the odds are it's off, and can't be called. Someone's got to be smart enough to put in a chip that turns the phone back on if you dial a special number. I would definitely buy a button you could step on under your desk to make the phone ring when you need an excuse to stop talking to someone. You ever seen Heelys? Those are the kids' shoes with wheels in them. I'd love to see a line of adult shoes that have a "grabber" in the sole so, instead of bending over, you could use your foot to pick up a dropped napkin, set of car keys, or ice cube. People with teenage sons are familiar with packs of boys stripping the house of food. This is fine, since teenage boys are supposed to be locusts. But I predict a big market if someone offered refrigerators with a locked compartment that needs a password, so the father of the house (the mother would be too noble to do this) could hide a stash of sodas, ice cream or other essentials. I'll bet you'd soon have enough revenue to be listed on the NYSE if you began marketing plastic separators between the front and back seats of cars -- like those in cabs -- so parents can play James Taylor while the children listen to Ludacris. You know the "Cone of Silence" in the old TV show "Get Smart"? They need a line of those you could install over office cubicles to be lowered whenever your neighbors are being too loud. If they can put teeth whitener in gum, why not coffee? All semi-colorblind people like me would love a scanner telling us whether two socks -- dark blue and black for example -- match. I'd love to see sensors at four-way stop signs with little green lights telling each car, based on moment of arrival, when it's their turn to go. Not that I'm admitting I'm distracted enough to need this, but it would be nice to have a pot that starts beeping if you haven't stirred the pasta and its beginning to adhere to the bottom. But I am admitting I need this one: plates with built-in weighing scales that sound an alarm once the total poundage of food you've eaten passes your threshold of indigestion. As always, I'm open to further suggestions.
But I'm off now to work on a new dishwasher that warns your cell phone when the latest load is clean but still in there, so you can steer clear of the kitchen until everything is put away.
